Legal Agreement proposed by Wally to Nate/Sam
I, J.W. Wilhelmson, power of attorney and representative in all legal matters of Walter Curtis Lowe (“Dog”), hereby propose the following arrangement with Nate and Sam and all other subsequent offspring of Erin and Tighe (“Progeny”).
1. Progeny will drop at least seven (7) clumps of food at each meal and/or snack time.
a. A “clump” shall be defined as a morsel of food measuring at one (1) tablespoon or five (5) metric grams.
b. Fruit and vegetables do not count as food unless they have been drenched in gravy or some sort of meat sauce and are therefore delicious. It is considered cruel to drop fruit and vegetables, thus temporarily raising hopes of Dog.
c. Let it be noted that chocolate will not in fact bring death to Dog. This is a myth disseminated by some greedy chocoholic, probably Erin.
2. Dog shall be guaranteed at least fourteen (14) hours of uninterrupted sleep during the day.
a. When Dog is laying on his pillow next to the red sofa, he is not to be touched or summoned except in the case that it is snack/meal time and food is about to be dropped.
b. When Dog is sunning himself in the office, the office shall be off-limits to all Progeny, including the Vacuum Cleaner. Dog does not trust that apparatus.
3. All visitors to the house — this includes both strangers and well-established friends and family — shall be greeted first by Dog. All Progeny shall clear an adequate path so that Dog can rush to aforementioned Visitor(s) first and accost them with his affections. Once the Visitors are sufficiently annoyed with Dog’s advances and tire of petting him, Progeny may approach. Let it be known that Visitors will obviously prefer Dog’s attentions to anyone else’s, so Progeny shall not linger.
4. Progeny shall be nice to Erin. Progeny must not do anything that may turn her into a raging bitch. This includes, but is not limited to:
a. Preventing her from sleeping at night.
b. Spilling your beverages, especially sticky ones (chocolate milk, juice, etc.)
c. Embarrassing her in public. (Nate: please practice tact. Stop telling a certain Gymboree instructor that you don’t like her.)
d. Injuring yourselves or otherwise drawing attention to yourselves while she is trying to eat.
e. Consuming sugar.
f. Shortening nap time.
g. Skipping nap time.
h. Growing out of nap time — before the age of 18, at which point you shall promptly move out of the house.
j. Stealing her Lego’s.
5. Do not touch Dog. Ever.
6. Sam: Stay out of Dog’s food bowl. And his water bowl. You shall immediately cease crawling under Dog’s legs while he is eating his meals; he does not need his food to be stirred.
7. Once Progeny reach a certain, sufficient height, he/she must use that height and reach at least once a day to procure a Milk Bone for Dog.
8. All Progeny shall use their vocal chords and verbal ability to encourage Erin and/or Tighe to take a walk to the park with Dog and with or without Progeny. This shall happen regardless of the weather, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
9. In exchange for Progeny’s cooperation, Dog shall provide the following services.
a. Protect the house. This shall entail raising his head from its semi-permanent place on the floor when he hears a noise outside. If Dog deems that aforementioned noise is indeed a threat to Progeny or to his food, he will bark.
b. This is a finite list. Dog can do nothing further without appropriate compensation to be outlined in a future additional contractual agreement.
10. To be effective immediately upon notarization.