Imaginary Reply from A Teacher Friend

To: Nate’s Mother

Cc: My Parent Contact Files 

Bcc: Fellow Teachers

Subject: Early Onset Hovering Anxiety

Status: NEVER!! sent


Dear Slightly Anxious Parent,

Thank you for your email. You are right to have your concerns. You are fortunate you only feel slightly anxious!

It is amazing the damage that has already been inflicted upon your five year old son! As your obvious obsessive compulsive, anal-retentive habits supplied me with a concise list of questions, I will respond by addressing them in order.  

1) bringing some assignments to the wedding with us and

By all means you should bring some assignments to the wedding. In fact, if he is a ring bearer, I suggest that he walk down the aisle with the ring on top of a book. Once he has done his duty and the ring has been handed off, he should then just step to the side, sit down and read the book. It is important that your parenting is on display, in such an education first way. You will be the envy of all other parents who will wish that their child was as focused and eager to learn as your son.

2) his participation in the Bookworm program and

Letting a child discover his interests in his own way and time is absurd. He MUST be directed/required to take advantage, from the get go, of every possible opportunity that is presented to him. If not, the other kids will gain acceptance over him to the elite colleges. All the other parents will know that he didn't get into Harvard when he matriculates at Loyola it a university now? No matter, definitely not top drawer!

3) whether Miley Cyrus is an adequate reading tutor and

Especially if Miley shows up in the attire she typically wears, she should be a wonderful tutor!  Nate should be exposed at the very earliest age to provocative dress in women so that he learns to objectify them. I imagine her hillbilly twang will be a rounding out addition to his growing arsenal of different accents. You definitely want to develop his interest in the arts, so good choice to show him the Wrecking Ball video. 

4) about speech therapy for Nate and

Don't let the fact that Nate has gone from doh doh's to donuts fool you. It is reckless to let nature take its course. The school has a speech pathologist on staff, so for the standard fee charged in private practice, you can have the satisfaction that you are doing all that you possibly can to assure your son's future success. Sign him up now!

5) whether he’ll be punished for his dress code violation and

Of course he will be punished for his blatant disregard for the school rules! A five year old who wants to express his individuality with an unapproved hair cut...what kind of parent are you? You give an inch now, and he will take advantage of you every step of the way. And you didn't see the notice I carefully placed in his backpack? Did you check every side pocket? He obviously is already trying to deceive you. If you don't get a handle on him now, you will be in big trouble down the road when the stakes are higher!

6) your knowledge about weaning an infant.  

And you are still weaning your infant?! No wonder Nate is having so much trouble! How do you think he feels when he sees his Mom spending all the time with this little intruder into his world? Why did you have another kid anyway? China's one child policy works on so many levels. Every child deserves the right to be the apple of his parents' and both sets of grandparents' eyes. What were you thinking? Do you need to attend a sex education program? I can make a referral.

Clearly, Nate's problems stem from the poor parenting skills of you and your husband. Our school also has a counselor on staff who is here for the benefit of parents as well as the students. I suggest you sign the two of you (and three if the baby is attached to your breast) up for some sessions while Nate is in with the speech pathologist. The school will kindly list the charges for both types of additional help on the same bill.

Just to be clear, Nate is to serve a detention for wearing that outlandish haircut. He will be required to sit inside during recess and practice his letter writing (his B's still seem to give him trouble) until he gets a proper cut. The upside to this is that he will at least be able to be removed from the barrage of taunting jeers from the other children at recess. His obvious lack of social skills will need to be addressed at another time.

With deep concern,

The Best Teacher Ever 

...Who knows more than any set of parents about their child

P.S. Good luck with Tess flying AGAIN this weekend. Another questionable decision.