The Scallion

The Greenhalgh's Most Trusted and Satirical News Source


Sam Goes Down the Blue Slide!

Graduating from the eighteen-inch high “frog slide” at the pool, Sam finally attempted the much larger blue slide, which is six feet high.

“When he first went down, it was pretty slow,” Erin said. “He used his feet as brakes and stopped himself at the bottom, then changed his mind, and when he realized it was too slippery to climb back up he just slid into the pool—and loved it!”

He went thirty more times that first day. Witnesses say that Nate, who was waiting safely at the edge of pool next to the ladder, said, “Good job, Sam! I’m so proud of you!” each time Sam went down. Each time. And each time, Sam replied, “Thank you, Nate.”

Later that week, Sam was jumping in the pool to Erin without his floaties.

Nate, meanwhile, has committed to wearing his floaties until age twelve. When asked why, he cited safety concerns.


Nate Kills His First Fly

Despite constant pleas to Nate and Sam to shut the garage door, Erin and Tighe’s home is plagued with houseflies. While it’s a minor annoyance for the couple, it terrifies Nate and Sam.

“They always call us in to kill them,” Tighe told reporters. “Finally I had them watch ‘The Karate Kid’ to show them that it’s possible for kids to kill flies.”

“That was my first fly!” Nate declared just before dinner Thursday night.

Tighe congratulated him and told him to wash his hands. After several minutes of waiting at the dinner table, Sam, Erin, and Tighe began to get impatient when Nate finally arrived at his seat.

“I washed my hands. And then I had to pee. And then I had to wash my hands again,” he explained when asked about the delay.

“Honestly, I think the fly must have been nearing comatose, it was so slow and lethargic,” a witness said, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

The fly’s corpse, mutilated beyond recognition, was removed from the house. It is the policy of this news source not to release the name of the deceased until the next of kin has been notified.



Bunk Beds Arrive at House!

The city of Cleveland went without a championship for fifty-two years. The Starks were kept out of Winterfell for six years. Nate and Sam were in their bunk beds for twenty-five minutes that first night.

After much labor and four trips to the hardware store on Saturday afternoon, Tighe completed assembly of the newly arrived bunk beds, all while Nate lectured on the hierarchy of big brothers on the top bunk and little brothers on the bottom.  According to Nate this system is stricter than social castes India, or at least stricter than cafeteria seating in American middle schools. Sam, just thrilled to be included, expressed mild concern that the bottom bunk is “scary.”

These fears were realized at bedtime when the bottom was darker than he’d imagined and he refused to stay there. Nate, claiming he was unable to sleep without Sam, also retreated to his old bed in his old bedroom. Reports suggest that although they have yet to sleep in the bunk beds, they are a great place to play.


Nate Tries Steak

Related article: Worried Erin googles “preschoolers heart attacks cholesterol

Entering the summer grilling season, Erin and Tighe have committed to having steaks on Sunday evenings. As per their nightly dinner routine, they offered Nate a bite of their cuisine—much more adventurous than his dinosaur chicken nuggets.

To Erin’s surprise, Nate said yes. “I was shocked,” she said, “I kept thinking, ‘what’s he up to? What’s his angle here? Do I really want to share my steak with him?’”

“I liked it, I really liked it!” Nate lied. He even ate a second piece just to cement his deception.

When asked for comment, Erin contemplated adjusting the weekly grocery budget. “I mean, odds are he’ll never eat it again, so I think we’re ok.”



Family Prepares for Long Drive East

Tighe refuses to spring for DVD player repair; Erin anxious

“We’ll just download a bunch of new movies onto their Kindles. And I’ll get a new XM radio subscription for us. Plus, I just bought the audio version of The Girls on Audible,” Tighe is reported to have told Erin.

“But the sum of all that is probably more than the cost of the repairs,” Erin countered through her lawyer.

A neutral third-party is still researching the total expenses for all options. Meanwhile, Erin will frequent area dollar stores to stock up on snacks and new books and toys.



Sam’s Potty-training Set for Late Summer

After months of research and planning, Erin has scheduled Sam’s potty-training for the second half of July. “I mean, I just have to bite the proverbial bullet and do it. At least I hope it’s just a proverbial bullet. That would be such a metallic taste.”

Sam has to be potty-trained to start school in August, so a firm deadline exists. Sitting around in a poopy diaper doesn’t seem to faze him, witnesses report. And each time someone makes a reference to him pooping and peeing in a toilet, Sam simply laughs. “And it’s an evil laugh,” Erin said. “I’m just going to have to do the three day thing: pump him full of fluids, sit him on the pot every twenty minutes, and hope for the best.”

She remains unsure of whether a sticker chart tactic or jellybean bribe will work for Sam. “He’s just so stubborn. But I did read a case about a little boy who found success by bringing his dog into the bathroom to show him his ‘presents.’ That might work for Sam.”

When pressed, Wally refused to comment and directed questions to his lawyers.